The Red Carpet's Body Mods

A new theory of red carpet style.

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For those who don’t know me, I’m Emily Kirkpatrick, the criminal mastermind behind I <3 Mess and occasional profiler of celebs like Margaret Qualley and Elle Fanning for i-D. Before we begin you should probably know that I am not your typical fashion critic. Sure, I have a lot of overbearing opinions and an exacting eye for chicness, but I also possess an alarming predilection for extremely nude, subversive, and generally unsettling attire. In other words, I have a radically open mind when it comes to all things ugly. Don’t worry, I promise you’re gonna love it.

Given my unique sartorial preferences, the Grammys are typically one of my fave events of the season as musicians are not exactly wallflowers when it comes to scandalizing attire. And we started off the night strong with Chappell Roan wearing a recreation of a Spring 1998 Thierry Mugler dress I’ve been begging famous people to pull out of the designer’s archives for quite literally my entire blogging career. So as you can imagine, this is a real landmark moment for me personally. I obviously would’ve preferred to have seen it worn with real nipples and real nipple rings, but these areola-less pierced prosthetics do add a certain creepy automaton vibe that intrigues me. Plus, now the prudish tabloids don’t have to bother blurring out Chappel’s nipples in every photo.

Speaking of sexless, Heidi Klum wore a flesh-tone lacquered leather Marina Hoermanseder dress that was molded to her body and then lashed around her torso with buckles running up the side. The look reads very steampunk Barbie and, unfortunately for Heidi, it appears she had about the same mobility as the doll in this dress.

Both these uncanny Grammys looks also feed perfectly into a theory I’ve been cultivating in my newsletter lately about the rise of the hyperreal body in celebrity fashion. You see, in true Baudrillardian fashion, the nude human form that ruled the red carpet in 2023 has now been completely replaced by its simulacrum. In fact, the simulacrum has actually become preferable to the real. Look no further than the Skims bush thong!

I love Addison Rae in this custom Alaia number. There’s something about the neckline that is very Bjork’s swan dress at the 2001 Oscars, and when combined with this mullet skirt that’s party in the front, it makes the whole dress feel like it’s being worn backwards in the coolest possible way. The silhouette throws Addison’s body off-kilter like her torso got flipped around Death Becomes Her style. And the shortness in the back allows the pop star to do her classic Betty Boop schtick down the step-and-repeat. A bit that has become as much her red carpet signature as the white silk briefs she flashed at the cameras.

Something else I love is country star Margo Price relentlessly whipping her dress’s ruffled tendrils at the paparazzi. It almost turns the photo into an immersive IMAX experience. This is what I imagine it feels like to be on the receiving end of Spider-Man’s web.

The biggest trend of the night I saw is musical groups in matchy-matchy outfits. It felt like a real return to the classic ensembles of yore. Katseye demonstrated just how far you can stretch a bolt of lace and silver mesh in custom Ludovic de Saint Sernin. Clipse and Pharrell did their best Temptations impersonation in baby pink velvet Louis Vuitton suits. Haim kept it simple in all black Louis Vuitton sets, and the British girl group Flo, my personal favorite, did early aughts Destiny’s Child proud in coordinated custom Luar.

Another inexplicable trend that emerged that night is a whole bunch of singers carrying around big, old, fake flowers as a prop. The Marias’ lead singer Maria Zardoya held a glass lily from McQueen, while Argentinian rapper Nicki Nicole clutched a metal one that doubled as a weapon, and FKA twigs brought a single, very Loewe anthurium along with a book she told E! is an “ode” to her album Eusexua, whatever the hell that means.

By the way, twigs keeps wearing her hosiery on top of her pumps like this lately and in a red carpet world overrun with basic, clear lucite Pleasers, I think that’s so great. Extremely Margiela behavior.

And the last deeply random Grammys trend I have to share with you all is a proliferation of bunnies! Yes, as in rabbits made multiple appearances on the red carpet last night. Raphael Saadiq wore one with a pom-pom tail on a sweater that I’m kind of shocked comes in adult sizes, saxophonist Immanuel Wilkins carried an elegant Simone Rocha bejeweled rabbit clutch, and two members of Wet Leg dragged around gutted white stuffies with long ears that I’m going to go ahead and round up to bunny. Perhaps just a friendly reminder that Easter will be here before you know it.

In terms of my best dressed man of the night, that title has to go to Gesaffelstein. I was not previously familiar with his game. Ever since Addison left the airport rocking a blindfold, I’ve become obsessed with the idea of celebrities denying the public their gaze as the ultimate new expression of exclusivity and luxury, and I think this look demonstrates that perfectly. The face card is for paying fans only! Plus, the mask itself is beautifully fabricated, like a statue of David that’s really into BDSM breath play.

I’ve also been digging everything the extremely Mess-coded hip-hop duo Ca7riel & Paco Amoroso have been up to lately, and their Grammys looks were no exception. They could be monks at a Rick Owens-designed monastery. Also, I was just telling my readers earlier this weekend that the rattail is about to make a serious comeback and would you look at that! Ca7riel might have the most robust nape braid I’ve seen to date.

Sombr shocked me with the tastefulness of this Timmy Chalamet-caliber Valentino ensemble. I think I would’ve liked it a little bit more if the suit had been solid silver sequins instead of red flecked, but even so, the overall concept is undeniable.

And in further 17th-century poet cosplay, I have to give an honorable mention to Darren Criss for serving Little Lord Fauntleroy realness and actually kind of pulling it off.

Another quick shoutout to perennial Mess fav Justin Bieber who continues to sport the largest pants I’ve ever laid eyes on. (In this case, from Balenciaga.)

And I didn’t realize until now that CeeLo Green and his son are going through a goth phase and I think that’s fabulous. I’ve long been a staunch proponent of clown face paint worn casually and I am never not encouraging men to lean into their juggalo tendencies.

While everything we talked about here today is great and all, for better or worse, there’s only one Grammys outfit that I can’t stop thinking about and that’s musician Markos D1’s extreme low rise capris. Appallingly hideous, but undeniably a feat of slutty fashion engineering. I presume this is a singular jumpsuit connected by a strip of PVC paneling that allows Markos’s entire crack and mons pubis to be revealed without resorting to adhesives. I actually can’t believe Julia Fox didn’t come up with this innovation in overexposure first.

But all outfits aside, I think my biggest takeaway from Grammys night is that I have never trusted anything as much as TV personalities Keltie Knight and Ciara Miller trust these slips of fabric. Both stars were millimeters away from pulling a Bianca Censori 2.0 all night.