The Alexa Demie interview

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i-D’s limited edition Alexa Demie Zine has just a handful of copies left. (Get yours here.) But we’d never limit your love. We’re printing the entire interview between Alexa and Ottessa Moshfegh here for all eternity. Enjoy!

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OTTESSA MOSHFEGH: Okay. I’m going to record, put this on airplane mode, and we go. How’s your burrito?

ALEXA DEMIE: It’s really good.

I’ve never been to this place. It’s so cute.

This is my only safe space—where I can go alone and eat.

You only have one?

Well, my house, this place, and in nature.

What has that been like to not be able to sit alone places without getting accosted?

I don’t love it. I like to be independent, and I like to go places alone, so it feels a little restricting. I’m naturally already a bit of a hermit, and I think it definitely added to that. I can become very—I don’t want to say reclusive, but I really like being alone. If I want to go run alone, I think about that and whether I’ll be stopped.

God.

It’s interesting, because it just comes with what you do. I never felt, “Oh, I want to be famous.” It was, “I want to be a performer. I want to make art. I want to create.” Those thoughts have come into my mind, but that wasn’t the intention.

Well, thank God because that’s a pretty terrifying ambition to be like, “I want to be famous.”

I was going to say, I don’t think anyone wants that, but, yes, they do. There’s a lot of people that want to be famous. It’s a thing.

Because fame is its own occupation online now.

Maybe it’s a good thing. Maybe everyone will become famous and then we don’t have to worry about anything, because it’s normal. Maybe it’ll bring normalcy to something that still feels so… weird. Does it freak you out when somebody recognizes you, or do you feel pretty calm about it?

People recognize me occasionally. I write books, so whoever’s going to recognize me is probably a nerd.

Your fan base is probably really chill and cool. They’re like, “I love your work.” They’re not going, “Can I get a photo of you?”

They’re composed, mostly.

By the way, I already read your work, but I picked up your book Homesick for Another World when I heard we were meeting. I was cracking up.

Oh my God, thank you.

The one story [The Weirdos]… Was it you dating the actor guy with the crystal skull? Did that really happen?

That was so close to my lived experience.

Okay, because I was like, “This is too real, too detailed, and too accurate.” I could not stop laughing.

He was amazing. An unforgettable, huge regret of a relationship. It was a flash-in-the-pan kind of thing. Two months.

Kind of amazing though. He’s a character. It’s interesting that he’s so spiritual, but then he wants to kill the birds.

That was fictional.

Okay, good. It added exactly what I wanted from the story. It also, for me, spoke about how we’re all very contradictory.

Good point. I feel like a character needs to have some contradictions to be legible, understandable, and relatable. Was season three of Euphoria the hardest season to film?

No, two was. Filming season 3 truly felt like the third act of my journey with the show and I felt held. I don’t think it was coincidence that Sam wrote GOD into the script the way he did…I felt the presence all around. Two was the hardest season, by far. After I finished filming that I was like, “Fuck everything. Fuck the show—everyone. I don’t want to do this.” After season two, that was the catalyst for me to pull away from Hollywood, away from acting and being in the limelight, and come back into myself. I was asking myself, “Is this really what I want to do? Am I fulfilled? Is this creatively inspiring me?” I think it was a hard season for everybody across the board. The energy around it was hard.

What do you mean? I’ve never even been on a set.

To be honest, I don’t know exactly what it was. It’s all in service to the art. I think the art, and what we’ve all done with the show, made it worth it. Around season two, there was something that was stretching us in a way that felt really painful—at least for me. I felt like I was being stretched. At the time I wasn’t aware of that. During the filming, I just was like, “I’m here and I’m bored.” I had Kate Bush’s “This Woman’s Work” on repeat. I would just dramatically listen to that while driving home, and just reflect. Because getting the role was such a high.

How did that happen?

Oh, my God. It was such a high. Let’s go to the joy. Season one, it was this freshness, this newness, this joy, and this excitement. Getting the role, I remember I read the script like, “Holy shit.” I was reading a lot of stuff at that time, and I hadn’t read anything like that. I was really impressed by the musical choices. I read it and I just felt connected to it. I was like, “I have to get this.”

And you felt specifically connected to Maddy?

No. I was reading for Rue.

That would have been so interesting.

I grew up visiting AA meetings a lot with my dad. I was sitting in those rooms, so I would hear a lot of those stories when I was 9, 10, 11. I grew up around my uncles, their friends, and all the guys in the neighborhood, and I was just like the watcher, a silent observer. I never partook in anything—I don’t know, maybe going to those meetings with my dad really young helped to not take that route. I was just an observer.

So I felt really connected to Rue. I was just like, “I got to get this.” I went in to audition as Rue, for Sam [Levinson, the creator of Euphoria] and Augustine [Frizzell], who directed the pilot. I felt really comfortable, which was weird. Usually I’m really nervous, but I just felt really dropped in.

How was the audition?

I remember it so vividly. Sam whispered something during the audition. Obviously I was like, “Great, he fucking hates me,” because he whispered. They didn’t really give me much feedback, and I left. I met up with a friend who I was making music with, and I was telling him about it. It was like life or death for me because I had nothing at that time, no means of whatever. I felt like this was my moment. My friend was consoling me, and in the middle of making music I got a call. It was my agent, and he was like, “They want to see you back for Maddy.”

I truly didn’t feel connected to Maddy at first. I didn’t even bat an eye reading her parts when I first read the script. Maybe that’s because I was so focused on Rue. When I went back in [to audition] for Maddy, I felt tense, but the process was playful. Sam was having fun. I went back again to read with Jacob. Then, the producers were like, “We love you. We want it to be you. But, there are a couple executives that are not sold. They think she should be a blonde.”

So, I had to go in to audition for HBO. I don’t know if they’ll like me saying this… Barbie [Ferreira] was there, and a couple other people were there going to audition for HBO. But there was another girl there [to audition for Maddy]. I had to go up opposite a blonde. I was the only actor that had to go up against someone else. So she was there, I saw her, and I was pissed.

Can you say who it was?

If I’m being honest, I don’t remember her name. Truly, I don’t. I was pretty fired up. I was like, Joan of Arc mode. I just said to myself, “It’s mine.” She went in first, then it was my turn. Sam and the producers were being really supportive and kind. The first scene I had to do is the chili scene where I dump the chili over and call the mom a cunt. The line is, “I know I’m not supposed to be here, and none of you like me.” Maybe this is me being so dramatic, but I looked at every single person in the eye, and I said that with conviction. Because it’s what I felt. I did that, pushed the chili over, and finished the scene. They sent the other girl home. I stayed and did more scenes. I didn’t even care if I got the role at that point. It was just about something that I couldn’t even really put words to, just an energy. I was driving out of HBO and I didn’t even get out of the parking lot when I got a call. I believe it was Augustine, and she was like, “You got the part.” I just felt this exhale and this relief. Like, yes, yes, yes. I don’t think I’ve ever told that story.

That’s a great story.

And then I didn’t know what it would entail for the next eight years of my life. It was all just a feeling. That’s how I try to live my life as best as I can through feeling. I felt that I wanted it and I needed it. It was a decision made by something that my mind couldn’t argue with.

When you’re building a character, what do you trust more: instinct or structure? Do you think in those terms?

I trust instinct. Before I begin, I do structure. I write. To me, that’s the structure. But then when I’m on set, it’s pure instinct. I just call her in.

If everything is about feeling, what’s your relationship with manifesting and calling things into being?

It’s possible. I’ve called in a lot. I’ve written things down and the next day I’ll get a call. I stopped that for a while. I felt the need to go into a bit of a void, just exist in that void, and not try to get something or create something. It felt like a decision made for me by my soul to just clear out and distill.

Would you say that’s like what happened after shooting season two?

Yes. Looking back, it was such a great blessing. I would have just stayed on this high and just kept going, but I don’t think I would feel what I feel today. I feel so good in my body, comfortable in my skin, and more accepting of me. More embodied, less disassociated. It’s still a practice, but I feel more comfortable, like it’s safe to be in my body, it’s safe to be here on this earth. I want to be here and just experience it. And that was not easy for me.

The blessing of season two was that it allowed me the time for the inner work and to come back to my essence. I didn’t realize how method I actually am—or was. I created this character, but then I became her. Because I am naturally more shy, unless I’m performing, I used her as a mask. So when I would do press or meet people, I was in—

—in character?

She was my shield, she was my mask. I created her, and there are pieces of her that are me. There is a deep-rooted connection to her, but I’m not her. I’m not Maddy. I remember a moment where I realized Maddy was so enmeshed in me, that when I pulled her out, I just started crying. It happened after season two because for the first time—I don’t know—I couldn’t feel the difference between her and me. So after we wrapped, there was a yearning to get back to my essence again. For season three, I was then so scared that I couldn’t channel her again. I was afraid because I was so raw. [In between shooting season two and season three], I spent a couple years like a hermit.

What were you doing? What was your creative life at that point?

A lot of writing. A lot of sitting with myself in silence. And a lot of clearing layers of trauma. I felt like I was cleaning off all the mud, purging it out. Unknowingly, I was really trying to get back to this innocence or this essence that I felt was there. This entire process did not feel logical at all. It felt like spirit. It’s hard to even talk about, because there’s a lot of experiences I had that I think people would probably say I was crazy. Gnosis, you know? It was a lot of growing up, but then a lot of coming back to the innocent child.

I can relate to that. Part of it is growing up, but knowing how to protect yourself and your innocence. Like you were saying, Maddy became a shield and that’s dangerous. You need protection.

And it’s scary to go out into this world raw. I did that for the [Euphoria season three] premiere for the first time. I’ve never gone out onto a red carpet or done press without a beat face. Don’t get me wrong, I love glamour. I will paint my face again. I love it. To me, makeup is creative expression. But I just was like, “What would it feel like to go out without my hair?” That was my natural hair, not perfectly done. No extensions. I barely put fucking concealer under my eyes—which is a risk, and I would never do again… or maybe I would.

All in all, I’m so happy and grateful that I’m in this space to not feel like I need all of that all the time. How do I say this? For this last premiere, I really did not care at all. I didn’t care enough. My perfectionist was not in the room. Now, after having that experience, I’m like, “Okay, I’ll care in the middle. Let’s come into balance.” I did feel this new sense of acceptance and grounding, that looking back was such a gift.

That’s how an artist grows, right? You show up for what’s being presented, respond as intentionally and as openly as you can, and you pay attention and you observe. It’s so funny to hear you talk about that, because I have just downloaded every one of your performances from Waves to Euphoria. I haven’t watched all of season three yet—HBO wouldn’t send it to me. You’re really good and it’s so much fun to watch you.

Thank you.

Seriously. I loved where you took the character. But, anyway, back to how beautiful you are. When I saw you on the red carpet, I was like, “Oh, my God, she’s never looked as beautiful and glamorous.”

Wow, thank you.

There’s that famous line that Maddy says to Cassie about having taste. The peacefulness, sincerity, and transparency in your appearance on the red carpet, I found it really moving.

Thank you. When anything is new, it’s going to feel a little scary. Although I have been on many carpets, I hadn’t been on one in a long time. I’ve been so to myself. Personally, I have never felt more beautiful in my life than I do now. I feel that from the inside out, and I wanted to honor that. Without being fully conscious of it, my intention was, “I’m here and I’m not going to perform for anyone. I’m just going to be.” I felt rooted, calm, and did my best to be present with everyone. At the same time, it was a tender, raw space to be in because there were hundreds of people screaming and taking my photo. Also, I think the energy around the show is so charged. It just was a charged night.

That’s cool. This will come out after the whole season—which I haven’t finished yet—but I wanted to articulate this carefully. In season three, Maddy moves to LA and really takes charge of her life. It was so satisfying to see her act and take agency. Suddenly she’s self-motivated, actualizing and out in the world, and confronting the system. She’s like, “I love capitalism.”

I know. It’s so wild because I’m the opposite. I have to tell myself money is not evil. Money’s an energy. Money’s here to help us on earth. Money is okay. I like nice things. I want money. I like money. But there’s this part of me I’ve always navigated where I had to work through my whole “money is evil” trauma. I don’t know where that came from. Maybe seeing my mom struggle so much as a child.

I relate to it. But the way that we get to watch Maddy figure out how to succeed—it feels like I’m projecting onto you.

No, no. Go ahead.

I feel like the actress behind Maddy is doing the same thing for herself in her life. That was just the narrative that just flew in my head naturally. But how are you feeling now that Euphoria is behind you? You’re in a different place in your life now, and here’s Hollywood, this industry that wants something from you. How are you feeling as a spirit in all of that?

I have a really healthy relationship to the industry, because I don’t do anything I don’t want to do. I have a lot of integrity, and I honor that about myself. If I don’t feel like [a job] is going to light me up, I don’t do it. On one end, we’re on earth, I need money. I’m going to make money. But I can’t just take money gigs. I always ask myself, “What about this project inspires me?” I’m also not going to keep playing this character that a lot of people do want me to play. That would be such a disservice to my creative spirit. I couldn’t do it. It’s like you having to write the same story over and over again...

Yeah. I’m not here to serve that. I’m just on my way.

Exactly.

Do you feel like Maddy is a stereotype that you have to play against?

People do love Maddy. They love her confidence, her bluntness. She can appear larger than life, and I think she brings a lot of something to people. I don’t know exactly what.

She’s exciting and she’s daring.

And people want to be exciting and daring. People want to say the thing they’re not supposed to say. I want to say the thing I’m not supposed to say––it is liberating to play a character who says exactly what she feels or wants. When people really like something, they just want more of it. That’s fair and I completely understand. But as a human, as an artist, we’re here to evolve and grow, and we don’t want to just keep doing the same thing over and over again. I think that can kind of—not kill your spirit, because I don’t think your spirit could be killed, but just dampen it.

I’ve had my experience with that too, where people ask me to be myself, but they don’t know that I’m not that person anymore.

Exactly. That was frustrating for me the first two seasons, because there were people who would say… “Oh, she’s not acting, that’s just who she is.” That couldn’t have been further from the truth.That was a bit frustrating, but I also can’t be upset because I never really showed people or let people in. Naturally, I’m just really private.

That’s a lot. So, six months after filming, where are you creatively? What’s on the agenda?

I don’t like to share that anymore. I used to, and I feel like people really latched on to what I said. I’m such a feeler that what I’m feeling today I could not be feeling tomorrow. I’d like to keep this aspect of my life, for now, private.

I admire that very much. I’m asking not just because people want to know because they’re excited, but because I’m just curious as it relates to my own journey. I’m at a moment in my creative life where I just finished a book that I’ve been working on for four years. I’m excited to share it with people, and I never used to feel that way.

Whoa. Congrats. I’m ready to read that. Is it a novel?

It’s a novel. I have lots of ideas. The work of the artist is to be as vulnerable and open and focused at the same time.

Yes.

That takes so much discipline. And I’m realizing I need to be around people that are inspiring, have integrity, and understand.

Absolutely.

That’s hard to find.

It is, but I want to start believing it’s not. I want to believe that it’s shifting because we’re shifting. What made you write from this place?

I was in distress, honestly.

Distress is such a gift. It’s such a gift.

I was like, “I feel really trapped and miserable.” My art has to be the thing. If it’s going to have value, it has to be the thing that teaches me how to be more free. Part of me wants to know where you’re heading because I’m curious what comes next after because once you’re at a certain point in your career and you know who you are—that’s a very interesting moment.

I’m really excited for what’s next because I’m going to be creating from a new place, with everything that I’ve shed, and this innocence I’ve reconnected with, but also this power. A healthy power. It’s just going to feel so liberating and so pure to do... I’m hesitant to say too much.

Say it.

I’m just excited to be creating from this embodied place with the new connection I have to my body, to my heart, to my spirit. I think I’m going to be surprised.

That’s so exciting. That takes so much courage. And growing in private—that’s just you doing your thing.

Every day as we’re going through the press with Euphoria, I just remind myself of the gratitude. It’s easy to be like, “I’m over it, let’s move on.” But it truly was such a gift and helped me grow. A friend of mine told me that Euphoria was like a master class in every aspect of my life: As a performer, as a human being, and as someone working with a large group of people. I just try to remind myself of what a gift it was and it is, and really appreciate and honor every single person that’s part of the show. Each of these souls contributed to creating something that really stretched all of us in ways we needed, and also contributed to culture in whatever ways it did. I don’t know what it did for people, if it did anything, or if it’s just entertainment. But it did something. I know that. Now I’m ready for the next adventure.