Failed to Spell Cunnilingus, Succeeded on Pomegranate
Jacqueline Novak takes us inside Cazzie David’s Spelling Bee and asks the important question, namely “Is Spelling Cool?”
I have a newish Substack and they invite me to participate in a Spelling Bee hosted by Cazzie David.
En route to the Spelling Bee, I mourn not having prepared a good outfit. My fellow Chris drives so I can collect myself with an energy drink. I grab a plastic ziplock bag full of makeup and a pair of Patou closed two platform shoes (I wore to the Emmy’s two years ago) on the way out the door to spruce up my look. I’ll see how slippery the stage is when I get there. It turns out to be carpeted…it’s the Bob Baker Marionette theater.
I look up various Skarsga(a)rds en route because I heard from Matt Starr of Substack that the bee will be ‘fun’ and some of the words might be pop culture related, like McConnaghey. Chris assuages my concerns, points out that being good at spelling is not cool. The most embarrassing thing that could happen, he argues, would be to win.
Notably, I hadn’t met Cazzie before this Spelling Bee. I assumed she’d be intimidating. She wasn’t. I knew from 15 feet away. She was kind and welcoming, and claimed to be a fan of my work (one of the greatest qualities in a person). I flagged down a photographer to ensure our debut was captured for our future remembrance and the world’s. Later we reflected on how the images turned out. We thought “Grand.”
I put on the Patou heels before this photo and then changed out of them when shit got real because it’s time to go on stage to spell. I feel I need my sneakers to spell.
Because Cazzie’s book comes out this week, I had assumed the entire Spelling Bee was a creatively themed book party that Substack was throwing for her. I thought a round of the words we’d spell would be related to her book and so on…so I was confused when there was almost no book-related signage on arrival. I became fixated on forcing the issue, and after I saw a copy of her book in the back, I decided I should get her some useful promo pics out of it.
I run into Lisa Gilroy and Zoe Lister Jones and insist on securing a selfie for my i-D diary. They oblige. I note they made stronger outfit choices than me, and they weren’t even going on stage. I tell myself a good outfit would come off rude; I aim only to be known for my mind.
The contestants take our seats on stage. I’m on the far end, where I meet fellow contestants: writers Brontez Purnell and Karley Sciortino. We chat in the back throughout. Camaraderie amongst spellers was genuine. Matt Starr told me after we looked like Team USA, cheering each other on.
When I’m called up as the first speller, I expect to banter about the book with Cazzie. I finally accept that this is truly a Substack Spelling Bee hosted by Cazzie and not her book event. I’m asked to spell moisturizer in the practice round and pomegranate in the first real round. I spell those correctly and look at Chris, in the back, embarrassed for getting them right. I beam to him the message ‘Sorry I gotta be me.’ Shortly thereafter I misspelled both cunnilingus and hemorrhoid. And, Skarsgard! I couldn’t remember which Skarsgard was which.
Post Spelling Bee, Chris and I poke around backstage (with permission) and I’m overcome with how much I love marionettes, and how every time I decided against pursuing a marionette life, and I didn’t, I was betraying myself. My go-to Halloween costume is an escaped marionette. Dress up like a doll, or anything…and attach some strings to your limbs. Sometimes I carry big scissors suggesting I snipped the strings. Other times I simply carry the cross-brace myself.
The next morning I begged Substack to take down a video in which I was misspelling hemorrhoid, explaining that I didn’t realize video would live on from the event. What magic I employ for a live audience might not translate to video and vice versa. I have a rep to protect.
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