Dunhamisms Issue #2
Lena Dunham takes over i-D with friendship advice.
It’s with immense excitement that I get to introduce one of my favorite writers, thinkers, directors, actors, Substackers, jobbiests, basically one of my favorite people to ever make anything on this strange little planet we’re all trotting around—Lena Dunham. Lena is here with her second edition of Dunhamisms to answer questions about a topic that fuels us all: friendship. Lena’s second memoir Famesick is out Tuesday and she’s embarking on what is sure to be a legendary book tour (last night in Philly with Emrata!! Tomorrow in Brooklyn with Andrew Rannells!! Then, Emily Sundberg in Boston!! And Naomi Fry in New Haven!!). I can’t wait for my copy of Not That Kind of Girl to have a sister on my bookshelf.
Hey Lil’ Maniacs,
It’s been such a joy to receive all of your questions, and I will endeavor to answer as many as I can before I turn forty, one month from today. The countdown is on, but at least I have your many humane and tender queries to keep me distracted from my imminent death.
This week, we’re coming at you in collaboration with i-D Magazine. My pal Nicolaia was asked to choose the theme and she settled on “friendship”- which is fitting because both my bestie Alissa Bennett and I have done our time as i-D cover girls.
You know that TikTok sound where the guy says…
Well, I think Lissy and I are successfully proving him wrong :)
Anyway, I love this theme. My work makes it pretty clear that I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about friendship- what it’s for, what it feels like, what it should feel like and how to navigate it when things get swampy, dark, or contentious. I think a lot of that comes from the childhood years I spent fairly friendless, trying to understand what other girls understood about connection that I didn’t (at the time, that seemed defined by bootcut jeans and choppy layers). Now that I think of it, maybe the issue was that no boys had come out of the closet yet, and I didn’t realize that my destiny was to be smack dab in the middle of a pack of gays? Let’s be honest, some of us just work better there.
That’s not to say I’m not a girl’s girl- it’s a religion, and I follow the bible to the letter. You’ll never catch me talking out of school or flirting with someone else’s beloved! But I have always found myself both obsessed with, and terrified of, the powerful tides of female friendship. It’s consumed me in ways both productive (art) and not as productive (“people pleasing” which we used to just call being a spineless pushover!). So the chance to answer your questions is also a chance to consider the journey I’ve taken on this subject, and the relative peace that has ruled my personal friendship kingdom for quite a while now.
One of the best things about getting older is that I find my friendships are far less conflicted. I can’t actually remember the last time a friendship required anything more than a small tune up—knock-down-drag-em-out fights feel as quaint as a horse drawn carriage, but I know I had ‘em because I have the sense memory to prove it. An analogy: when you’re young, you try lots of styles on for size. Emo, goth, skater girl, Sporty Spice, Zooey Deschanel vintage charm. Each one feels good for a moment, but then stifling- it can’t fully encompass you. So you switch and you slide and it feels pretty manic until one day, you realize you’ve found a groove- it’s not one abiding aesthetic but instead the melding of all your influences. Friendship is like that too- you start to realize the signature blend of people that defines you, what you get from each and- just as essentially- what you have to offer.
Hi Lena! Sending a DM because digital footprint! My question- how to know when it’s time to let a friendship go/how to navigate having that difficult conversation without wanting to hurt their feelings. Bonus point if you have mutual friends and know you’ll continue to see them. Can’t wait for famesick xx
This is a great question and hit me right in my guts in the best way. Thank you for sending:)
A lot of my book Famesick is about friendship, how beautiful it feels as it forms, and also, how it can outlive its expiration date. I find letting go of friendships- particularly with women, my Achilles heel- incredibly challenging. There is always a desire to try and fix it, to communicate and clarify. With romantic partners, we tend to sense when the jig is up, but- because we’ve been sold the narrative that besties are eternal- we may try and work the problem when it’s already pretty apparent that the fit is not fitting.
The best friendships can withstand a huge amount of change, personal ups and downs, geographic shifts and life’s most painful milestones- but sometimes the wires get crossed, and friends start expecting too much of each other, or become unkind because of their own stuff they’re not aware of/can’t express. To me, it’s time to pack it in when people stop expecting the best from each other. They start imagining (or sensing) darker currents or motives, and one person is trying to convince the other of their good intentions.
To my mind, real friendship is not:
-Predicted on some idea that friendship involves endless emotional labor. Yes, friends step up for each other in truly eye-watering ways, and sometimes even offer more than they have in times of crisis. But that’s a gift, not a given.
-Doesn’t involve score keeping (i.e. “I did x for you, so you better do x for me… or else…”)
-Isn’t snarky or cruel- when someone has an issue or needs to clarify something, they do it clearly and kindly. They don’t let some passy aggro bullshit slip after the ninth glass of wine.
-Doesn’t leave you feeling bad about yourself and afraid of them.
-Doesn’t push past your boundaries or expect you to be uncomfortable just to make them comfortable.
-Is honest and forthright.
Within all this there are so many configurations that work and a friendship can take many forms over one lifetime! But if you go down this check list and nod “yeah, yeah… yeah that one too…” then it’s time to consider that the dynamic is no longer working. This doesn’t have to be considered a personal or collective failure. It can actually just mean everyone is changing and sometimes the train can handle passengers, but sometimes it’s gotta go freight all the way to Nova Scotia.
It’s also okay to love someone but need space- unlike a family dynamic or a marriage, friendships don’t require you to keep banging your head against the wall until it’s either fixed or utterly unfixable.
Once you’ve had a friendship end or change- even if it’s not dramatic- seeing that person can bring up a lot. It reminds you of the joyful early days, when you were falling in giddy love, laughing with your feet kicked up behind you like teens in Bye Bye Birdie. It can remind you of the bitter end, when you felt unseen and taken for granted. And, most painfully, it can remind you of your own limitations and bring up a lot of guilt and self blame.
My goal when running into someone I’ve had an intimate dynamic with- any kind of intimate dynamic- is always to be elegant and kind and acknowledge the shared history while not re-instigating negative patterns.
DO: “Hey, it’s so nice to see you. I was just wondering the other day if your mother still quilts!”
DON’T: “Well, you look happy. Nice to see that for once, since your depression was such a running theme and apparently why you couldn’t come to my birthday party at that escape room.”
When it comes to mutuals, I never force them to take sides or make them listen to an Amazon wishlist of grievances. I try not to indulge in negatively speaking about someone with their friend (even though sometimes it’s the mutual friend who wants to do this, which can be very tempting lol! But remember, that means they’d do the exact same in your absence, and if ya think you’re immune I’ve got news for you honey…)
Your shared friends will appreciate not being put in the middle and will be impressed by your graciousness, even if you have to go home and vent to someone else who is purely on *your* team.
Which I am! I think you’re perfect.
Hi Lena, my dear sweet girl! I would love to hear your advice on this - my life changed a lot since getting sober 3 years ago, and as a result I’ve distanced myself from a friend group I used to spend a lot of time with. There is a wedding coming up this year and I really do not want to go. I used to be very close with the bride and groom and it makes me sad because I was one of the first people who knew about the engagement, but now I just don’t really see them being a meaningful part of my life going forward. I also had a falling out with the maid of honor, which if I’m being honest is the main reason I don’t want to go. I feel so guilty declining the invitation but I know I will be very uncomfortable if I go to this thing. I haven’t even talked to the couple since the engagement party last year and have since then distanced myself from the friend group all together because the maid of honor just dominates everything. How would you recommend I deal with this situation? What do you do when you don’t want to go to a wedding? Love you doll, thanks for taking the time to read this ❤️
Hey honey,
Words of affirmation are my love language, so all your endearments had me at hello. I bet you’re really cozy to spend time with.
Getting sober is a gargantuan life change, and it’s remarkable how quickly it can affect your friendships. Some people may experience your sobriety as an implicit judgment of their behavior. Others are on high alert for what they perceive as your instability, not understanding that getting sober was actually an attempt to change that. A lot of people just don’t know how to talk about it, and if they’re still drinking or using they may feel that you’re now “the fun police.” When I got sober, I noticed people ordering drinks and then looking concerned, like if they weren’t careful I might plop my face into their Negroni as if apple bobbing at a state fair.
Getting sober also means you’re more aware, and less able to ignore your own instincts or push down your emotions. If someone says something cutting or snide, you no longer have that blanket of feel good chemicals preventing you from reacting. A lot of my “using” (in quotes because that’s still not that easy for me to write!) was about deadening my responses so that I could tolerate dynamics that were no longer healthy, fun, or cute. When I stopped doing drugs, it was only a matter of time before we all recognized that the party was over for real. Turn on the house lights, rip out the aux cable, ya don’t have to go home but ya can’t stay here!
I don’t know what happened between you and this couple or the maid of honor (though I’ve noticed that brides often tend to choose the person they’re most afraid of for that job… Tell me I’m wrong…) but what I really hear is you saying that you don’t see them being a meaningful part of your life going forward. Attending a wedding is about celebrating the future, and if you don’t see a future together and are just riding it out because of some ancient sense of obligation then frankly: they don’t need a reminder of that in their wedding photos either.
There is no reason to go if it’s only to delay a hard conversation. At the same time, preparing for a wedding is an intense and often emotional experience (it wasn’t for me, but I am in hiding as a human being and so I’m taking notes. And btw, if anyone disagrees with any of this advice just know I am not a woman but in fact three weasels in a trench coat and fight me in the comments!). The bride and groom likely do not have the bandwidth for a big friendship come-to-Jesus. Therefore, on a purely logistical level, I would recommend a polite “RSVP with regrets” and if they want to dig in on why and what happened you can offer a reason on the kinder end of honest and suggest, say, you’re happy to regroup after their big day and hash it out. You have your sobriety to protect right now, and that is the most precious thing. Even more precious than a precious bride, and she will have plenty of people to be angry at in person:)
Say you wish them only the best, and here’s the hard part: mean it. During your daily prayers, whatever form they take, send out your hopes that their marriage is a smashing success by whatever metric is meaningful to them, wish health and vitality to them and everyone they care about, and practice the art of loving distance.
It will only serve you well as you go forward in your sober friendships, of which I’m sure you will have many.
From the lens of being a chronic illness girlie, what have you learned about friendships?
Wow. This is such a lovely question, and the answer is: everything. Being sick has taught me just how deep and abiding friendship really is, how selfless and life giving. Matt Wolf spent three consecutive Christmases with me in the hospital, bringing fancy potato chips and fancier gossip. Alissa has picked me up from the doctor and off the floor. My dear friend and literary agent Bill Clegg used to read me poetry as I sat in a bed in Lenox Hill like I was waiting to be picked up by the school bus to nowhere, looking handsome and eternal in a well cut coat. Russell aka Poke Acupuncture is lightly snoring in bed beside me as I type this, after forcing me to eat half a veggie sub “because you’ve got a big week to carbo load for.” They showed me what love is supposed to feel like, and because of them I knew what to look for in a husband, in colleagues, and also the standard to hold myself to when I have a friend in need.
Illness meeting friendship in a “vinegar, meet baking soda” kind of way has also caused some of the gravest disappointments of my life, when people I thought really had my back, my front and my side revealed the limits of their capacity.
But that’s just it: capacity. When someone shies away from you during a time of health crisis, it’s important to recognize that it is often much more about them than it is about you. That’s not to say that illness doesn’t bring out the worst in us- how could it not? But it also brings out the best. And their response is formed by their history, their fears. Perhaps they grew up with a sick parent, or have faced some really hard losses they didn’t think they’d make it back from. Maybe it activates their innate dread of physical decay (that’s cultural, too!) or maybe their own lives feel messy and hard to control, and their inability to tell a tidy story in which you got sick, got better and moved on is scaring them shitless.
At the same time, chronic illness has meant I’ve had to disappoint a lot of people, people who I really love- maybe I couldn’t show up to an event that was important to them, or was having a bad flare that rendered me useless at a moment when they could have used someone. People who have enjoyed relatively good health often cannot compute that you can really, really want to be there and your body is not going to budge on its position. Your body is staging a filibuster, and all they know is that if it were them they could do it through sheer force of will. I’ve noticed that friends often feel scared to tell you any of this, because they think that your illness is a sort of blanket excuse that can’t be argued with. Encouraging my friends to share, reminding them that I’m an open door- even for emotions that they might consider embarrassing or illogical- has led to some of the greatest conversations of my life.
My first boyfriend in seventh grade wrote me a Valentine’s Day card I can still quote by heart: “Dear Lena, I really like you. I think this relationship could last awhile. I love you. Love, Callum***.” This was like a week before he broke up with me because I wasn’t ready to kiss with tongues, but that doesn’t change the fact that the sentiment was 10/10. And now, when I make a new friend, I give my version of that spiel: “I am really enjoying this. I feel like we could be, you know, real friends! FYI, I deal with chronic illness and that can mean I sometimes have to change plans or can’t be as available as I wish. It’s never personal, and I’ll always tell you the truth and show up in every way I can. Let’s make a deal to be honest.”
Once, Jemima said to me: “You’re like that Ja Rule/Ashanti lyric- you’re not always there when I call, but you’re always on time.”
And it was the loveliest thing I’d ever heard.
***Name has been changed to protect the identity of a boy I haven’t seen in well over twenty years who just wanted to go to third base with someone who didn’t stuff their bra with her mother’s fancy cotton pads.
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obsessed with this press tour
This and a morning shift rn